


The Talk

by nakadoo



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crack fic tbh, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4422215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakadoo/pseuds/nakadoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the kinkmeme:</p><p>I'm not sure if i'm the only one but I get a paternal vibe from Kine, and, to a lesser extent, Shiki with Izaya. I'd love to read a story where word gets out that Izaya and shizuo (or Naimie or Kadota, whoever you want) are shacking up and, naturally, cue a stern talking to from his murder dad(s).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

Kine's never had a daughter or a son, nor does he plan on having children; it was something he just wasn't interested in. Having come from a fairly dysfunctional family with always-busy-parents and siblings who didn't want to be involved with one another, he only saw familial bonds as a liability. He didn't really care if he died alone, that was fine. At least no one would have to grieve when he died.

Which is why he finds himself in a relatively odd predicament.

"You should talk to him," Shiki tells him one afternoon as they smoke together in one of the lounges at the Awakusu headquarters.

"I don't see why I have to," he replies, a slight look of irritation painted across his features. Despite his words, however, he can't help but feel that Shiki has a point. But he doesn't know how to breach the situation, he's never had the talk before either he kind of just figured it out by himself. "He's a smart kid, that one," he offers, hoping to get Shiki off his case.

"Smart but arrogant and young," Shiki argues as he blows out a puff of smoke. "You know how kids are, can't keep it in their pants nowadays."

No, he actually doesn't know how kids are which is precisely the reason he doesn't want to push through with this. "You seem pretty serious about this. Why don't you do it yourself?" He asks because he honestly, honest to god, doesn't know what he's supposed to say. He's not good with kids, even if Izaya was pretty mature for his age.

"I'm not his father," Shiki replies, an amused smirk breaking onto his face before he stubs out his cigarette in the glass ashtray in front of him.

"I ain't his father either," Kine grumbles in reply, frustratedly putting out his cigarette as well only to pull out another. Stress smoking, can you believe it? He's seen dead bodies before but it's only something like this that gets him so riled up. "You do it," he insists.

"No. You," Shiki replies in an almost child like way and before Kine could interject and continue arguing he sighs. "If you want me to hold your hand while you do it, that will be fine."

"Go eat an entire ass, Shiki-san."

\---

"Argh, Shizu-chan..! C'mon, it's uncomfortable like this!"

"Shut up, I'm being as careful as I can damn it!!"

A rustle of clothes, a quiet hiss of pain. "Not careful enough, I'll say."

"Just shut up, stinky Flea!"

Izaya would have argued more, he has a thing or two (or maybe a thousand) things to tell Shizuo regarding his poor bedside manners, but he doesn't really have the time to because his breath is stolen away and there is a searing pain at his backside as Shizuo slowly pushes himself into him.

"Sh-shizu--AUGH, IT HURTS!" He complains, his fists relentlessly drumming against Shizuo's back. "AH! I'm serious, pull it out!" It's almost dizzying, the pain and the uncomfortable feeling of his insides being intruded upon. Loathe he is to admit it but Izaya just wasn't experienced at all with penetrative sex, both on the receiving and delivering sides. His only solace is that Shizuo seems to be as clueless as he is.

"Shit, shit!" Shizuo curses softly, genuinely distressed that he was hurting Izaya. Sure he wants to hurt Izaya on a daily basis, but not like this. "Sorry, sorry."

And they pull apart for a moment, just catching their breath and trying to make themselves look somewhat presentable even if it is just the two of them on the empty school rooftop.

An awkward silence falls upon them.

Izaya clears his throat.

"Attempt 5 ended in failure, huh?"

Shizuo scratches his head in flustered shame, a light blush spreading across his cheekbones as he tried to ignore the stiffness in between his legs. "The hell are you keepin' count for?"

The future-informant shrugs his shoulders, squirming a little bit as he shimmies his pants higher up his legs. He's still painfully hard, and from what he can see, so is Shizuo. "It isn't science if you don't record the results, even if the results are failures."

The blond scoffs but is delighted in the familiar jabs that Izaya provides so at least it didn't feel that awkward anymore. "Is this just some sort of weirdo science experiment to you?" He grumbles out, reaching into his pocket for a pack of smokes. He isn't offended by the statement at all, actually. It was an experiment to him too and with Izaya's ego as big as it is, he knows Izaya wouldn't actually spill the beans to anyone at all.

It's weird that he has some sort of trust for Izaya, but he pushes that thought to the back of his mind to deal with later (or never).

He feels a hand on his erection and it quickly snaps him out of his train of though. "What the fu--”

"Mutual hand job?" Izaya offers with a cheeky grin because he knows Shizuo wont turn him down. They've gotten used to each other's styles by now and he likes the feel of Shizuo's impossibly warm and rough hand on him and he knows that Shizuo loves the way Izaya's fingers feel cool to the touch like his bloods made of ice or something.

Shizuo stares at the hand slowly pumping at his shaft.

He breathes in deep.

He gives in.

\----

Izaya looks up at the blue skies as they slowly get enveloped by dark rain clouds. It hasn't been raining in a while and he's oddly excited for the shower to fall.

He's alone on the rooftop now, Shizuo having gone ahead to avoid suspicion regarding their (exceedingly weird) relationship. Everyone knows they hate each other, that they go missing for hours on end when Shizuo starts chasing Izaya, so no one really comes to the conclusion that they're having sex at all.

Well, attempting to have sex.

His ass still kinda hurts but it's nothing he cant handle but just for a few moment's he'd like to watch the clouds. The current class is boring anyways and his grades are impeccable despite his usual absences so he has nothing to worry about.

But he hears it, the soft tap tap tap of someone climbing up the stairs, someone to come fetch him no doubt, and waits with an amused grin as the door to the rooftop slowly opens to reveal none other than Yagiri Namie herself.

"Ah, Namie-chan," he greets in a disappointed way.

"I'm not your keeper," she replies to his uninterested tone with an equally uninterested one. She doesn't particularly hate Izaya, nor does she particularly like him, but they've know each other for as long as she can remember so people tend to lump them together (much to her misfortune). "Stop cutting classes so teacher can stop pestering me about you."

He pats the spot beside him. 

She sits.

"You look like shit," she comments, giving him a once over to fully asses his physical damage. And when she spots the cut on his lip and the several dark bruises blooming across the skin of his neck and clavicle she shakes her head. "Disgusting," she comments because she knows exactly who it is that gave him those marks.

"That bad?" Izaya laughs, his fingers idly tracing the sore spots that Shizuo left on him. "Lend me your concealer, yeah?"

She honestly doesn't want to lend it to him but if they came back down together people will start to assume the worse. So she digs her concealer from out of her pocket and hastily (but very professionally) applies the makeup onto Izaya's skin. In a matter of minutes, it looks as if there was nothing there to begin with.

They go back to class together and when Shizuo gives Izaya a look that screams concern, _are you alright?_ , Izaya chooses to ignore it but revels in the frustrated pout that spreads on the blond's face.

\-----

As expected the rain falls in a heavy stream. The classroom is beginning to get a little chilly now, the atmosphere a little bit mellower. The change in attitude that everyone held for the day is almost palpable and Izaya twists his body around in a nonchalant stretch to watch the faces of his classmates.

The girl beside him sighs dreamily as her attention shifts from the chalkboard and on to the rain, gnawing at the end of her pencil mindlessly.

The boy in the back of the class sighs dejectedly, his hopes of going out on the field to play baseball now ruined.

The girl in front looks a little bit frazzled, probably worried that the rains will bring thunder and lighting along with it.

Shizuo, as always, is absentmindedly staring at the rain.

Namie looks bored, taking notes from the book instead of actually listening to their teacher.

Shinra is doodling hearts all over his notebook.

Kadota's head is slowly, slowly drooping down until the soft _thunk!_ of his head against his desk draws the attention of a few people who disregard him immediately.

A girl curses under her breath. She forgot her umbre--

Come to think of it, Izaya forgot his umbrella too.

 _Ah, shoot_ he thinks, but then _it's alright, I can share with Namie-chan._

When they're finally dismissed from class, Shizuo leaves in a hurry, probably worried about his little brother. Well, not that Izaya really cares.

He makes a beeline towards Namie's desk, waiting with a pleased grin as she packs up her things. "Ready when you are," he tells her and lets out a little "oof!" when Namie shoves her umbrella forcefully against his stomach. "Hey, I'm delicate, you know."

"I don't care," she says because all she wants to do is get home as soon as she can to make sure Seiji is safe and dry. Maybe they can even take a warm bath together, how nice--

"Ew, don't think of perverted things," Izaya teases because he knows _exactly_ what she's thinking.

Namie punches him in the gut.

And as they walk home together, Izaya prattling on about this and that, both of them squeezed underneath the shade and safety of the small umbrella, a car pulls up beside them. It puts Izaya on edge and in an instant his hand is in his pocket, ready to pull out his knife if need be, and he's standing in front of Namie like he was a human shield.

The window rolls down. "Get in."

 _Oh, it's only Kine-san_ Izaya thinks in relief, holds the umbrella up higher and nods his head towards the car door. Namie steps in without a word.

Kine notices how gentlemanly Izaya is being, and spots the marks on his neck.

 _This must be his girlfriend_ is Kine's thought as he drives towards the kids home.

Shiki barely holds in his laughter as he notices Kine stiffen in the driver's seat. He can only assume that this girl (if he's correct, she's the daughter of the Yagiri's) is the girl Izaya is dating and possibly having sex with. He was right in thinking that it was the right time to have _The Talk_ , but he's starting to feel a little bit nervous because now they have to talk to this girl as well regarding safe sex.

He wants a smoke.

He chances a glance at Kine who looks twice as nervous as he feels.

Izaya, thankfully, doesn't seem to notice and is instead chatting in hushed tones with the Yagiri girl about who even knows what.

Shiki clears his throat, catching everyone's attention, before gently nudging Kine on the side with his elbow. "Don't you have something to say?"

Kine gives a sheepish smile, his hands gripping the steering wheel with a little too much force. "Didn't you say you were going ta hold my hand first?" Speaking with Izaya was one thing but now he had to speak to his girlfriend too? There is only so much his heart can take. Maybe he really should hold Shiki's hand for emotional support.

Izaya and Namie share a look in the backseat.

"I can't, you're driving" Shiki replies. "That wouldn't be _safe_ , gotta set an example for the kids" he emphasizes the word safe, hoping to some sort of god that Izaya would somehow understand that he was trying to say "safe sex is important."

"We're not children," Namie interjects.

The two men in front stiffen slightly at her words and tone of voice. She was oddly intimidating for someone so young.

"B-birds... bees..." Kine mutters under his breath, although he cant bring himself to say it out loud. He honestly tried reading up on ways on how to explain things to Izaya and he honestly had more courage standing in front of a loaded gun rather than talking about this.

Shiki is trying his best not to laugh.

"Sorry, what was that?" Izaya asked, pulling himself forward so that half of him was wedged between the front seats. "I didn't hear you, Kine-san---"

"Stop the car!" Namie almost screamed, wedging herself between the seat and Izaya in a very uncomfortable squeeze. "Stop the car!"

Kine steps on the breaks like his life depends on it, and it sends both Izaya and Namie tumbling into the front in a tangle of limbs. Namie's skirt is hiked up a little bit too high and revealing a lot of her skin, and Izaya nonchalantly tugs it down for her. Shiki and Kine are recovering from their mini heart attacks, confused as to why they suddenly lurched into a stop.

Izaya spots Seiji walking in the rain alone.

"Hey, Namie-chan. Give me your jacket and umbrella," he tells her and at first she gives him a confused look before it makes sense in her head. She strips her jacket, doesn't bother to grab her things because she knows Izaya will bring them home anyway, and maneuvers herself over Kine's lap and out the driver's door before running over to wrap her arms around Seiji.

Izaya watches as Seiji pulls off his own jacket and drapes it over his sister shoulders. They walk back home together.

"What the hell?" Kine asked.

Izaya shrugs before climbing back to the back seat.

They continue to drive back to Izaya's home, both Shiki and Kine quietly thanking some invisible god out there who decided that they'd spare them the shame of having the sex talk with a girl.

"So," Shiki starts, noticing Kine relax a little bit. "That gir--"

"Stop the car!!!" Izaya all but screams.

Kine hits the breaks, his nerves getting to him. "What now?!"

Izaya moves to the door and rolls the window down before sticking his upper body out. "Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan, over here!!!"

Kine and Shiki share a look.

Just how many girlfriends did this kid have?

A pair approaches the car, a single umbrella held high above their heads. They were both partially wet but Izaya doesn't hesitate to let them both in.

 _This ain't a carpool,_ Kine thinks, his thoughts going bitter as he realizes the back seat it probably drenched now and there's probably mud on the floor and he just had his car cleaned.

The car moves once more, but Kine's only taking Izaya home. He doesn't even know who the other two kids are.

"Izaya," Shiki's voice is stern as always, and he's watching the informant-to-be as he smiles happily at him through the rear view mirror. "Friends of yours?"

"More or less, right Kasu-chan?" Izaya grins from his spot in between the Heiwajimas, poking a finger into the younger Heiwajima's cheek.

Kasuka shrugs and gives a blank nod.

"Oi, don't bother Kasuka," Shizuo warns him, grabbing Izaya's writs in his hand but lets go because he thinks he might have grabbed too hard. "Annoying Flea."

Izaya tsks. "Is that any way to talk to the person giving you a ride?" He asks and notices the look that Kine is giving him. "Oh Kine-san, don't give me that look."

"Ahem," Shiki says loudly, drawing the attention back to himself. "There is something that we have to talk about."

Izaya stiffens at that, his eyes going wide in shock. He's trying to maintain his calm attitude but he's worried that Shiki wants to talk business and it would be bad if Shizuo and Kasuka got dragged into this. "What about, Shiki-san?" He asks carefully, his fingers twitching slightly in anticipation and anxiousness.

Kasuka notices from the corner of his eye how Shizuo's little finger carefully wraps around Izaya's little finger. The twitchiness in Izaya's hands is immediately gone upon the touch and Kasuka's eyebrows rise up a centimeter in awe.

He stays silent.

Kine clears his throat. "Boys," he starts as the street light turns red. He turns his head to look at all three of them but mostly keeps his eyes locked on to Izaya. "This is about the age where you start to feel... Different..."

Izaya blinks.

Shiki pats the top of Kine's hand in a supportive sort of way.

Shizuo seems to be interested in what Kine has to say.

Kasuka just doesn't care.

"You start to see girls in a... Different sort of way. They look prettier and nicer and you just want to talk to her and--" Kine begins to ramble on about puberty and hormones and growth spurts and becoming a man--

The blood is draining from Izaya's face. _Is he really...?_

Shiki is nodding his head in agreement, from time to time adding little tidbits of info to support what Kine was trying to explain.

Shizuo looks mortified and his hand is ever so slowly starting to link with Izaya's. They both seem pretty mortified by the speech they were receiving, too shocked to react other than to hang their mouths open in horror.

Kasuka stares at their intertwined fingers.

He blushes slightly but doesn't say a thing, his hand going over his mouth as if he's discovered something scandalous.

"And that's why you have to use condoms and occasionally lubrication," Kine concludes.

"Ah, but you have to remember that condoms come in different sizes, so be sure to buy the right ones so it's not uncomfortable for you," Shiki adds.

"And flavored condoms and lube are for orals only, if you used it on a girls vagina it might get infected," Kine also added, his initial nervousness now gone knowing that he was teaching kids a valuable lesson in safe sex. "And don't be afraid to visit a doctor if you think something is wrong."

"W-why...." Shizuo mutters quietly.

"Kine-san.... Shiki-san..." Izaya tries to talk but for once he cannot find the words to express how he feels.

"Hey, pull over. This is his house," Shiki says, pointing over at Izaya's house. He turns around to face all three boys. "I hope you guys learned something today with our talk."

Kasuka takes the lead, seeing as the two older boys seemed too mortified to speak for themselves. "Yes sir," he says as he opens the door, grabbing Izaya's hand to tug him out. "It was very educational, sir. We'll be sure to take your words to heart."

Kasuka's hand tug led to Izaya tugging Shizuo out of the car as well. The three students stand awkwardly on the side of the road with their hands linked, watching as Shiki and Kine wave goodbye and drive off.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Izaya-san," Kasuka starts. "Were those your parents?"

Izaya shakes his head. "Thank god they're not."

\-----

Though Izaya remembered to grab Namie's things before he left the car, he forgot to grab his own things because of how shocked he was.

So there he was, a few blocks away from school, waiting for Kine to pass by and hand him his things. He did not, however, take into account that he'd run into Shizuo and Kasuka.

A blush rushed to his face. He didn't know if he could look Shizuo or Kasuka in the eye after what had happened yesterday but he willed himself to do it because he didn't want to seem like that talk actually frazzled him. "The Heiwajimas, how nice," he greets cheerfully but the blush on his face betrays his true emotions.

Shizuo coughs into his fist.

Kasuka wonders if Shizuo and Izaya will hold hands again.

Before anyone could speak, the same car from yesterday came up beside them. The window rolled down to reveal Kine-san giving them a happy smile. "Here you go, 'Zaya," he says as he hands over Izaya's school bag. "Shiki and I bought you a couple of gifts, but we're not too sure if we got them right."

Izaya set his lips into a firm line as he accepted his bag. "Thank you, Kine-san," he says because he can't really think of anything else to say at this point.

Kine reaches over and ruffles the top of Izaya's head in a rare show of affection. "No problem, kid. I'll see you around." And he drives of as quickly as he came.

The three students gulp and eye Izaya's bag suspiciously.

"Hey," Shizuo says nervously.

"..."

"Hey," Shizuo says again, a little bit louder. His curiosity is killing him. "Open it."

Izaya feels like its a bomb.

With a deep breath, Izaya unzips his bag. Upon seeing it's contents his hands falter in his shock, his bag slipping from his fingers and he doesn't react fast enough to catch it before it hits the ground.

Condoms come spilling out of it.

Condoms of different sizes and flavors.

And a bottle of lube too.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Izaya reacts first "DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS!" He all but yells, crouching down to stuff the gifts back into the bag. "G-god damn it, why are there so many?!"

Shizuo crouches down just as fast and starts shoving the gifts back into the bag as fast as his hands can manage.

Kasuka averts his gaze and puts a hand over his mouth. "So _scandalous..._ "

**"DAMN IT, KASUKA!"**

**"THAT'S NOT HELPING, KASU-CHAN!"**

 

 

In the safety of the Awakusu headquarters, Kine and Shiki shake hands and smoke to their success of being responsible adults.

**Author's Note:**

> I butchered everyones personality but I had a lot of fun writing this lmao slay me


End file.
